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Wally Mars (narration voiceover): Look at us. Running around. Always rushed. Always late. I guess that’s why they call it the Human Race. What we crave most in this world is connection. And for some people that happens at first sight. It’s "When you know, you know". It’s fate working its magic. And that’s great for them. They get to live in a pop song, ride the Express train. But that’s not the way it really works. For the rest of us it’s a bit less romantic. It’s complicated and it’s messy. It’s about horrible timing and fumbled opportunities and not being able to say what you need to say when you need to say it. At least that’s the way it was for me.

That was Jason Bateman, introducing The Switch, a rom-com that was released theatrically at the tail end of last year. Jason plays the part of Wally Mars, the best friend who’s secretly in love with Jennifer Anniston’s character Kassie Larson.

I think Jennifer Aniston gets a rough ride from the media. Whether it’s jealousy because of her success in Friends, or delight at the lack of success in hanging on to Brad Pitt or finding a new man in her private life, isn’t clear but it’s seemed like the media equivalent of school bullying to me. Of course she hasn’t always picked the best films in her long, essentially "rom-com" –based career, with Marley and Me being a particular filmic low point, but she is usually able to deliver a fun, believable performance no matter how dreadful the script or acting partner she’s given.

She came in for a particular brutal verbal beating when The Switch was theatrically released and, alas, I have to report that the film is as bad as everybody says it is.

Ostensibly this is the story of a woman who can’t find a man, even though he’s right under her nose. Aniston’s character decides time is running out and so chooses to have a baby by artificial insemination instead, not knowing that – you can see what’s coming can’t you – the sperm donor is going to turn out to be the friend who’s right under her nose.

Kassie Larson: Wally, this is what a woman’s fertility looks like after a certain age.
Wally: So?
Kassie: So I would like you to be the first to know .. I’m having a baby!
Wally: You’re pregnant?
Kassie: No, not yet. But I’m working on it. Went to the doctor – she said all my levels are really great… considering. And she said that my cervical mucous is gorgeous by the way.
Wally: Thanks for that.
Kassie: And then she started giving me this lecture about my age and I was .. recently started to hear about timing and why wait? And you know I.. it started..
Wally: (hums tunelessly)
Kassie: Would you please stop having sex with your food?
Wally: Sorry. You know I don’t know when I’m doing it
Kassie: And then I thought to myself "I can do this. I’ve got a killer new job at the network and I don’t need a man to have a baby."
Wally: Technically speaking, you do! Where’s this all coming from? Is this about Paul? Because if it is why don’t you just chalk it up as another one of your disasterous flame-outs and move on.
Kassie: This has absolutely nothing to do with Paul
Wally: Well I think it does.
Kassie: And thank you for bringing it up
Wally: All I’m saying is "Don’t kick that can down the road". You need to look at your relationship…
Kassie: No
Wally: .. instead of biting off the next step. Deal with the one before.
Kassie: You know what, I’m just tired of thinking about how this is supposed to go. Alright? I’m just ready to do it now.
Wally: Really?!
Kassie: Life is in session!
Wally: Is that from an infomercial?
Kassie: No
Wally: Really?
Kassie: Yes
Wally: Did you buy the DVD?
Kassie: One. But it was really something that resonated with me. Wally, I don’t .. what?! You know what I’m going to do this. I want to have a kid and I am in the market for some.. semen.

I should warn you that that’s probably the best written scene in the whole film, but alas, The Switch defies all sense of rationality or logic, even when contrasted to other rom-com genre films where admittedly the bar has already been set incredibly low.

Honestly, this guff makes Sex In the City 2 look like Citizen Kane by way of comparison, it’s that bad. Half an hour in I was seriously considering stabbing my own eyes with a fork if it meant I could avoid having to watch any more of this tedious, worse-than-watching-paint-drying drivel. The script is dire and the acting terrible.

The best scenes feature a character played by Jeff Goldblum in some short, quirky comedy sequences, but even in those it’s obvious that the actor is just phoning in his performance.

The normally affable Jason Bateman comes across as just plain ridiculous, and totally unlikeable to boot. He has absolutely no chemistry with Aniston so that we don’t believe for a second that he likes her, let alone is secretly in love with her.

The film is so lazy that when the script requires everybody to suddenly jump forward in time by a decade nobody could be bothered to change their clothes or even their hairstyles.

The film cost 20 million and made 50 million at the box office despite all the terrible reviews. Please don’t encourage the film-makers to make even more of this sort of dreck by buying or renting the Blu-Ray too. It’s dire and Aniston is already rich enough with her hundreds of millions from Friends, without giving her more for dross like this too. I guess saying that officially makes me a Jennifer Aniston hater like all the rest too. Oh dear!

Copyright © 2011. Ian Smith (Irascian Ltd), London. UK. Refer to our web site at UKBluRayReview.com for more information.